An artists interpretation of me holding a baby
I have never held a baby before. Ever. Not once. I have no interest in it. It scares me. I feel nervous about handling my iphone 4 let alone the product of someones own biology. If someone dropped my phone, it can be replaced. If I were to drop someones baby I don’t think my offer of sleeping with the wife to replace it would really work out.
The heads freak me out. Not being able to lift their own head is just odd. I feel if I hold it wrong the head will pop clean off and roll awkwardly to the feet of the parents, shaking their heads in disbelief, knowing they shouldn’t have let “Uncle Mitch” near their child.
On the weekend I visited my mate who has just had a baby himself (well, his Mrs did the hard work but he helped). After politely declining a few time to hold the baby I was saved by the arrival of my mates parents, the babies grandparents. I took this window of opportunity to leave while the grandparents were distracted playing with the baby. Then I heard the Grandad say this:
Grandad: *baby goo-goo talk*… Huh. His hairs still a little red, isn’t it… I hope this peach fuzz grows out, we don’t want a ranga in the family.
Me: I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Grandad: *Looks up at me* Whoops, didn’t realise we had one here…
Me: Yup.
Grandad: Sorry?
Me: Never mind, happens all the time.
Maybe, own one day, I will have a child of my own and maybe I will hold it, but it’s more likely I’ll just hug them when they’re 6 years old or a nice pat on the head or something… If they aren’t one of those unfortunate rangas that is.
4 comments. Leave new
Ah that made me laugh! You do realise now that as soon as this baby is born I’m bringing it over for Uncle Mitch to hold!
Not if you love it you’re not.
You may be surprised to learn, Mitch, that some people find rangas very appealing. And I do believe redheads are the next in line for ‘long overdue appreciation’ from the general population.
Geek Chic has almost had its time. Ranga Glamour is on its way IN. Mark my words.
Secondly; I’ve been very scared of breaking babies, too. I can only imagine the feeling is worse for most blokes.
I don’t remember how old you are exactly but I guarantee something will just “click” one day and handling infants will come as easily as juggling… er, I dunno… let’s say ‘workloads’ or ‘fruit you brought to work with a healthy intention to eat, but never did’.
If you can keep 2 oranges and an apple afloat you can handle a baby. No sweat. (maybe just make sure you’re standing on a mattress as extra precaution).
Who told you about Ranga Glamour!? It’s supposed to be hush hush… also, I don’t juggle or eat fruit so I am going to be a very unprepared uncle…