We all suffer from it from time to time. That build up of stress put upon us by other motorists. Some of us are quick on the horn, some even quicker on flicking the bird. I however am someone who lets it go.
Usually.
Lately, I have found my road rage stewing and building up inside me to the point where I let it out, whether I like it or not. The first time this happened to me was over Christmas (a stressful enough time as is) when I was at, you guessed it, a shopping centre car park. After navigating around the cars protruding out of everywhere, narrowly avoiding the out of control trollies and suffering behind the crawl of cars all hoping for a magical empty car spot to open up I was ready to snap. And snap I did.
I was approaching a pedestrian crossing. No one was on it or about to be on it but up ahead, past the crossing, an obese woman emerged from between the cars lumbering towards the road. She saw me coming but she had no intentions of stopping even though if she continued she’d be half way across the road. Nor did she even consider taking the final 12 steps to get to the crossing where she can cross safely and where I’d have gladly stopped and smiled as she crossed. We had ourselves a good old fashioned game of chicken instead.She stepped out meters past the crossing under the assumption I’d stop… I didn’t. As I passed her she yelled “hey, I’m walking here!” to which I replied immediately with a “Fuck you!” … I had shocked even myself. Sure, this lazy bitch deserved it but it was the first emergence of what I like to call my dark passenger… seat…
So rather let my rage build up I thought i would release it in the form of blog post with my Top 5 Streets of Rage Inducing Acts
1. People who stand and converse at the crossing.
Following on from my crossing rage, this is in the same league as people who talk at the top of an escalator (there is a special corner of hell for those people). It is not the place for it! If you’re planning on crossing the road, then cross. If not, move away from it so those of us in the cars know the coast is clear. I realise this is a minor one but I have to drive through a lot of crossings on my drive to work, I always look out for pedestrians and love getting a thankful wave for “letting” someone pass safely, however it still gets to me.
2. People who indicate around a bend that is not a corner or intersection.
My home is near such a bend and it makes me feel dumb for the person every time I witness someone doing it. If there is only one way to go and that’s to follow the road around a bend, then I know where you’re going, no need to indicate, buddy. It just makes me feel sorry for you. I guess I include this on the list because sometimes I too guilty of this and when I do I feel that much stupider… so I guess the rage is on me.
3. People who don’t indicate off roundabouts.
You know which exit you’re taking, I don’t! Again, seems minor but infuriates me! How hard is it to put in the effort to indicate. Less effort than it takes to smother kittens or whatever other activities you do in your own time you evil bastard!
4. People who don’t slow down at give ways.
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who approach a Give Way sign assuming you have to stop and those who assume they’re not. I fall into the former category, i approach a give way sign assuming a car may be going past and that I have to, as the sign says, give way. Thus the sign. It feels like there are way more people out there who treat give way signs as a polite suggestion and assume that the can drive on any road and no one else will be coming… and then when they’re forced to brake sharply and let you go past they act as if you’ve caused them some grave indignation, like you took a leak on their mum (she was totally into it).
5. People who get angry that you’re driving the speed limit and precede to carry out a pantomime in your rear view mirror about how they can’t believe it.
They raise their hands. Smack down on the wheel. Mouth visibly as if they are yelling “why’re you driving so slow, don’t you know I am in hurry!?” One. If you’re late it is not my fault, you’re likely a selfish person who didn’t leave adequate time to do what you need to. People like me, who turn up 30 minutes early to things and sit in the car and play Bejewelled till it is a reasonable time to turn up hate you. Two. No matter how much of a show you put on, i won’t speed for you, if anything, i will go even slower. Because what happens? You get past me to do the whole thing again to the car in front of me all to arrive a few minutes earlier?
This is by far my biggest beef. Every morning it seems like some upitty prick is itching to drive to work as though it was Need For Speed. And before you ask, yes I have considered it might be me but I only drive the speed limit so sorry if 50km/h is too slow for you when you need to get to your weekly circle jerk class.
The other day on a lovely Sunday morning drive i had a douche in a giant 4WD (not saying all 4WD drivers are douches this one just happened to be) driving dangerously close to me, tailgating me for ages. He was putting on the rear view dance of “Why so slow?” banging on his wheel and blowing up. I may or may not have seen steam come from his ears. This all took place on the 50km/h suburban streets but this guys was acting as if he was being inconvenienced to no end. There aren’t many places you need to be in such a rush for on a Sunday morning, was he a priest late for church? Probably not with some of the choice 4-letter words he was mouthing at me.
He eventually got so annoyed he over took me on a backstreet. A 50km/h street with kids playing out the front of their houses, people walking dogs and other cars oncoming. He took off at least 90km/h leaving a thick smoke trail behind him. Funny thing was, the moron had a sticker on his car for his website. I looked it up and HAD to write this Ken an email to let him know how I felt. It went:
Dear Ken,
If you fucking overtake on the backstreets of *suburb* again just because someone happens to be going the speed limit I will take a dump on the hood of your car. I hope you don’t accidentally run over your own dog because you and your tiny penis are in such a hurry to go fuck your bored wife , you pimple on the arse of society dick-wad.^
PS your photos are fucking horrible and your website looks as though it were shat out by a lactose intolerant monkey
Sincerely yours,
Ping Pong (The white Barina)
I had to tidy it up a bit to put up here, as you can tell, i was angry, but you get the idea. The point is, this post and the email helped me release some of my built up rage so I encourage you to leave a comment below as if you were writing to your worst driver pet hate.
Mitch out!
^ Upon consulting with my friend this is actually a revised and tidied up version of the email… the real one was much worse.
